Was I wrong?

Second post... in China...

I've been caught in this mixed feeling: guilt, selfishness, shame, lack of worthiness, perhaps even suspicion...
But then goodness, hopeful, determination, loved...

It was so surprising. Just a few words eased my pain. I'm damned forgivven. I thought they were going to let myself have it; the fair way that was stuck in my head for weeks and it I'm embarrased to admit it freaking ached to the point I believed I'd be confident in this decision, leaving. I believed nothing -no talk- was going to stop me. Easier said than done... I'm in my head a lot.

I'm not sure if she really does accept me, and I almost hate how I don't have complete faith in her words. I almost hate how I'm so selfish and I let myslef get taken over so easily. Now, I can't forgive myself for being so... there are no words to describe it...

But which ever way, I still owe everyone and myself a new and improved me. I swear that'll happen. But I didn't even count how many times I told myself that before. And then how many times I've told myself that "this time will be different". And then how many times I've told myself "No, it won't". Then how many times I told myself that there's a new and bigger motivation, or whatever excuse. Then I remind myself how many times I've said THAT as well. And every snigle time I have this same arguement with myself, it ends with me saying a simple, blunt "I'm gonna fix myself up"... and always with a sense of doubt remaining.

Now, I'm not sure what to do, exactly. Punishment for not making things right like I should have always seems to put me in other bigger messes. I know exactly what that means; truly, I've "been there, done that". I guess the only thing I have right now is really to just go with it. I really don't like the cliche of it. And this all makes me feel damned again... these inexcusbale I'm-not-even-sure-what-I-can-call-all-this. Just to keep this mixed up and messed up life - or existence... because while I do loathe myself in many ways, but I find reason to love it as well, if any of this makes sense.

The word life is always balanced for me.
Hm...

"In this farewell, there's no blood. There's no alibi..."

"...'Cause I've drawn regret.
From the truth
of a thousand lies.
So let mercy come, and wash away..."


It's been a while since I last posted, so I'm going to make this one extra long. And hey - Blogger works in China (although there isn't a toolbox, so the font color comouflages a little. In that case, some people might want to copy and paste to a Word document or something to make it more legible. Sorry)

Well, for the past three weeks and counting, it was mainly just my working mind and myself again. Within that time,
I was at a program.
I got jet lagged.
I went through a bottle and a half of sunblock.
I counted twenty - nine mosquito bites.
One of my biggest sources of company was my iPod.
...
I'm slowly becoming more vegan.
I made a few friends. Acquaintances really.
I walked, talked... etc. That was three weeks.

That's essentailly what anybody who reluctantly went to camp would say. But there's one more, big something else...

(I want to note that I can't stress enough how few people would be able to comprehend minimally - if not near completely - what I'd be talking about below. And if those people are reading, I've intentionally phrased a few parts the way I did so I could adress you in an obvious way I don't think anyone else would understand)...

Within that time, and actually the day before I left, I've had something ominous, challenging, inefecting me: a thought. And I might as well say it here, but maybe just rather vaguely.

I thought about love.
I thought about friendship.
I thought about respect.
I thought about what was important to me.

And I thought about my shame.
I thought about my failure.
I thought about my accidental, unforgivable, carelessness.
I thought about what I was going to do with all of it.

And everytime, I would break down from thinking such about the agonizingly painful..., I'd listen to my iPod. And eventually, that stoic person would come around. I loathe him because he illustrates me in a negative way to the world with his different mindset.

I think I'm going to put myself into the biggest punishment I've created for myself yet. I'm thinking about leaving all of that for three or so months, or until I fix my failure correctly. 'Don't know what I'm talking about? Like I said, only a few would. Those few I've already put in this post... They're my metaphorical family. Out of these people, there is...one...reason. I sincerely mean it.
But I lost my own faith in seeing why/how I deserve them. I can't bear to let them be friends with... with the corruption I've made of myself academically.
Two CPB classes! Damned two!And any "abilities" at any performing or visual arts I thought I had. And if that's not enough, the sense of care I once showed; where in hell did that go? Now, sh*t I was good at!
I've gone back to being blinded with my damnedness, which I thought I got rid of.

This may be my goodbye note.
...
I feel like a traitor.
Rude, stupid, selfish, so much more.
A rude, stupid, selfish traitor who will have lost his reason to live completely by the time I'll be done with my act.

Ashamed... Embarassed... Corrupt... That's how I currently think of myself. But I swear to everyone who's listening (or at least to myself) I'll cure myself to my fullest if not my fullest extent.

And to those people I mentioned who read this, here is another note for the present and the later future:
It makes me feel selfish asking this. I ask you if you can willingly forgive me and have things put back to where my era of goodness started, which was around early to mid- April. If you were to, please don't do it out of pity or to selflessly spare me - so to speak. Like I said, willingly. I need to know that you would forgive me out of the fact that I'm something to you, that I am indeed a good friend. Or otherwise, be still; it's still fair on both parts. I won't contest the decision.

So maybe this my goodbye note. I'll be leaving, and I have no inention to come back until I hear from Consent, no matter how I'll writhe from the hurt.
So meanwhile, strong minds don't feel sympathy, or really think about me all so much. Problem upon problem; I'm so sorry I kept this warmth throughout the time I have so. It was too long.

This would be a second post in one day. I don't have much else to do.

Well, I have doubt anyone's going to see this before it starts becoming unimportant, but anyway...

I should have left for China today this morning. And I should have been there in about four hours from now. The flight was cancelled. I don't think anyone else is around, so it's just me and my head.
I'll be going to a camp in China, cancelling original plans. I've grown a bit more neutral from the dissapointment. But I could still... see it. Maybe I'm "weird": a teenager with an extraodinary amount of joy racing through him. Lying on a bed with new bunkmates/acquantinces, with earbuds in his ears, listening to Brahms or something because he can't seem to fall asleep at around 11:00 for a reason hardly anyone knows.
Well, it's going to be different. Would it be racist if I'm not as appreciative of this? I dunno, maybe it's because I need an environment with less... Asians. Yes okay, that was quite racist. Sorry. I have a much smaller, vague, and boring image of me there. Well, I'm not going to give mcuh more reason.

I'm not sure if I'll be able to post for a while because China might block. I'm coming back home late August or early September.

So, I guess this would be it. I hope I'll be able to post regularly.

They run before you can speak. And they go on and on and on....

The brain is the most complex part of the body. Before anyone can verbally say the word, "zoom", at least two or three thoughts already sped through your head. Try it... of course. See? Probably four to six by now.
That's basically my blog, or just words in general. By the time I'm finished with one sentence, I probably had a number of thoughts that I would never - ever - be able to put down completely. It will take longer than forever. My fingers will never be as fast as my brain.
And not even words can explain this. One would probably have no idea how I got from trying to explain the speed of the mind to thinking about standing on the tip of the Empire State building... go ahead and call me suicidal. To get from Point A to Point B takes at least 8 steps in between, under two seconds to get through for me, hours to process for you, probably toil- filled eternity to clearly comprehend.
And guess what? Nobody ever bothers to do that.
Conclusion: SUICIDAL.
Because my mind is more "sick"than the "norm"?

Go ahead. Be a boy in my grade, and call me "emo". Be my father, and call me "suicidal" and "in danger". And then blame it on others. Be another worrisome adult to hear my words, and go subconciously fear me.

But as I see this fear in people's eyes, I can't help but let my heart laugh...

"I never wanted this!" Wrong. It has already happened; to some I'm a completely new "person". I never actually desired a change, but in a way I truly appreciate it now that it occured.
To some, I'm a "freak", a "monster".

This leads me to my next point...

I fail here, there. I cling on to this, that. I've accomplished this, that. I try to let go of this, that. This is how my existence is ran.
Death is so difficult to achieve. I've stopped trying to walk toward it. Just look at the white scratch on my skin from a blade. Nonetheless, no sweet blood to taste. What does that leave me with? Myself still as a walking figure.

My brain will never grow to a different perspective. I've set my code. So yes, I'm stuck.
I might as well be twenty- seven. Or forty. Or fifty- two. Or seventy. Or tragically stuck at thirteen. It's all the same; my head will work the same. But never younger. I pretty much threw that away already as if I can hardly remember it now.
And now, I'm not even waiting for anything. Instead, I'm just thinking about what's ahead of me.
As far as I know, and as far this term goes, I'm good as damned.

___


Well like I said before, words won't fulfill. In that case, I'm not suicidal. Besides, what does that word even mean? Yeah, go ahead and gather a few words and say that's "suicidal". You said I'm human. And humans "are all different". So as far as you are concerned, am I not just "different"? It disgusts me when you say I'm in depression because I never pick up my Wii remote for video games and that I hardly go for a walk at noon.

It goes on and on and on...
Hm.

Dawn at a new start

I believe I'm a thinker. I think, and I never get tired of it. I write. If I'm not listening to you, I'm in my own head (or almost ALWAYS in there for that matter). And not seven people in this world comprehend me when listening to me.

I believe I'm an artist. I paint. Traces of my thinkings lie in my works. The shading... The way marks are made on paper...

I guesss that's good right? I shall continue...

I listen to your tone. I look at your foot and how it's positioned. I'm a thinker, and part of hides my stares at you and tries to get into your head. Then I get scenarios in mine... what will I do? I have to fight things off such as paranoia and someimtes envy. It's usually quite difficult to do THAT part.

I try hard to paint gracefully. And then make a graceful result. Let's see if that effort applies...

Does anyone get the idea yet?

I almost NEVER use terms like this one because of it's profanity and it's lack of just, purpose, and reality of a noun: sh*ta**. I am a sh*ta** when it comes to my academic work ethic. I'm going to admit it until I'm satisfied with my results as a freshman. Two out of five of my classes are at the lowest level of three levels. I loathe the actual term. And then I feel arrogant because I hate it- like a snob, except one who doesn't achieve academically. So yes, call me a loser.

Sometimes, I don't think I deserve the only thing I truly appreciate from life: my friends and their families. And I get this confusing feeling when I'm told otherwise.

Don't think I'm hating myself. I'm not exactly. <-- That message there are especially to the people who went here on my blog when they were supposed to not to - and they get the wrong idea. You know who you are; I know you'll come back to see this.

But I'm constantly in a debate with myself. So I need to confess, redeem , and push myself more. Most the time, that doesn't really help. Maybe I should just push myself even more. No praying to a spirit. No punishing myself. Because I better work harder and avoid that kind of stuff.

Dawn for a new start. Hm.

Bored-To-Numbness-With-An-Ache-From-Absence Season

I look back at the half of the year.
Knowing how much I've - for lack of better words - f___d up, I wish I could go back to January 2010. This means I've done a whole lot better in school. This means I wasn't lost all the time until... March? This means I what I know now is what I wished I have done. And that I became a thinker then, so I'd be "mentally sick" earlier, and "healed" by now.

But then I argue against that side of me: if I did, would I have taken the chance?
I'm not certain. However, because it's nearly impossible to knock sense into me two months earlier than I really did, I'll just have to look at what's ahead real close... - again. I knew perfectly well I had to say that again some day. I believe I said so in an earlier post. What makes matters worse is that I always know even if I do, I'll end up back where I started. And there's not a thing to tell when another day comes and I forget...

I cut once or twice to remind me of my failures. I'm not going back there again. This leads me to the next point... (those who don't want to read this or those who think they will be influenced, skip this paragraph. I've added a big space after it)



Goodness, cutting... I remember clearly the sharp blade forming a straight line across my arm. This pain, which almost has this numb feeling to it, becomes an obsession, and it doesn't come from my once sadistic and masochistic emotions. This isn't the correct terminology for cutting, but it's almost as if one wants attention. You want people... to feel bad for you and help you. On the other hand, you enjoy the pain so, you almost don't want to get out of it.



















I'm still not considered "safe", so summer - to be less profaine - is probably going to be another bored-to-numbness-with-an-ache-from-absence season.
But this is one rule about the world: people judge your actions. And your actions you can never take back. And your actions you should not take back...

Hm.

Trapped

Well summer's here. Not seasonally though; I could care less how "hot" it is outside (by the way, it was reported there's a heat wave going through the north east) But what I do. I'm going to this summer session. I think I mentioned it last time. Did I ever mention I had to go to therapy? I don't think so. Well, I was discharged just late last week. I didn't mind being there, honestly. I just really don't like how people take it (or "THERAPY = SICK PERSON") So after all that, I go back home. Now, I got a summer job: I'm stuck with my dad in his office for three hours working on the stock market. After that, I just wait for... not much. Nothing seems to happen during the summer, and people seem to mind work a lot less during this time of the year. I just don't like it how that's all people have to do. Everyone is pretty much gone, and I'm still "mentally sick"...

No rule in the world has ever been made strong enough to defeat your mental strength. The only thing holding you back when you are held back is what you made yourself before you fought against the world...

I've talked- and at some points argued- with my parents for th past week or so. I feel like a sissy about it. I guess it's about time I feel the need to finally redeem myself by admitting so.
This is basically what I meant by what I said up there. I have reasons to stop arguing with my parents- stupid- to- the- core reasons. I have reasons to contine arguing with my parents- nothing to lose and everything to gain.
I'm not going to elaborate anymore than that.

That's the first week or so of summer....

P.S- Sorry about the Fourth of July. I forgot to take a decent picture. I only got video (wait, actually I'll check because I might have. I'll just check later).
P.S.S- I might post later this evening. Just saying..