Was I wrong?

Second post... in China...

I've been caught in this mixed feeling: guilt, selfishness, shame, lack of worthiness, perhaps even suspicion...
But then goodness, hopeful, determination, loved...

It was so surprising. Just a few words eased my pain. I'm damned forgivven. I thought they were going to let myself have it; the fair way that was stuck in my head for weeks and it I'm embarrased to admit it freaking ached to the point I believed I'd be confident in this decision, leaving. I believed nothing -no talk- was going to stop me. Easier said than done... I'm in my head a lot.

I'm not sure if she really does accept me, and I almost hate how I don't have complete faith in her words. I almost hate how I'm so selfish and I let myslef get taken over so easily. Now, I can't forgive myself for being so... there are no words to describe it...

But which ever way, I still owe everyone and myself a new and improved me. I swear that'll happen. But I didn't even count how many times I told myself that before. And then how many times I've told myself that "this time will be different". And then how many times I've told myself "No, it won't". Then how many times I told myself that there's a new and bigger motivation, or whatever excuse. Then I remind myself how many times I've said THAT as well. And every snigle time I have this same arguement with myself, it ends with me saying a simple, blunt "I'm gonna fix myself up"... and always with a sense of doubt remaining.

Now, I'm not sure what to do, exactly. Punishment for not making things right like I should have always seems to put me in other bigger messes. I know exactly what that means; truly, I've "been there, done that". I guess the only thing I have right now is really to just go with it. I really don't like the cliche of it. And this all makes me feel damned again... these inexcusbale I'm-not-even-sure-what-I-can-call-all-this. Just to keep this mixed up and messed up life - or existence... because while I do loathe myself in many ways, but I find reason to love it as well, if any of this makes sense.

The word life is always balanced for me.
Hm...

"In this farewell, there's no blood. There's no alibi..."

"...'Cause I've drawn regret.
From the truth
of a thousand lies.
So let mercy come, and wash away..."


It's been a while since I last posted, so I'm going to make this one extra long. And hey - Blogger works in China (although there isn't a toolbox, so the font color comouflages a little. In that case, some people might want to copy and paste to a Word document or something to make it more legible. Sorry)

Well, for the past three weeks and counting, it was mainly just my working mind and myself again. Within that time,
I was at a program.
I got jet lagged.
I went through a bottle and a half of sunblock.
I counted twenty - nine mosquito bites.
One of my biggest sources of company was my iPod.
...
I'm slowly becoming more vegan.
I made a few friends. Acquaintances really.
I walked, talked... etc. That was three weeks.

That's essentailly what anybody who reluctantly went to camp would say. But there's one more, big something else...

(I want to note that I can't stress enough how few people would be able to comprehend minimally - if not near completely - what I'd be talking about below. And if those people are reading, I've intentionally phrased a few parts the way I did so I could adress you in an obvious way I don't think anyone else would understand)...

Within that time, and actually the day before I left, I've had something ominous, challenging, inefecting me: a thought. And I might as well say it here, but maybe just rather vaguely.

I thought about love.
I thought about friendship.
I thought about respect.
I thought about what was important to me.

And I thought about my shame.
I thought about my failure.
I thought about my accidental, unforgivable, carelessness.
I thought about what I was going to do with all of it.

And everytime, I would break down from thinking such about the agonizingly painful..., I'd listen to my iPod. And eventually, that stoic person would come around. I loathe him because he illustrates me in a negative way to the world with his different mindset.

I think I'm going to put myself into the biggest punishment I've created for myself yet. I'm thinking about leaving all of that for three or so months, or until I fix my failure correctly. 'Don't know what I'm talking about? Like I said, only a few would. Those few I've already put in this post... They're my metaphorical family. Out of these people, there is...one...reason. I sincerely mean it.
But I lost my own faith in seeing why/how I deserve them. I can't bear to let them be friends with... with the corruption I've made of myself academically.
Two CPB classes! Damned two!And any "abilities" at any performing or visual arts I thought I had. And if that's not enough, the sense of care I once showed; where in hell did that go? Now, sh*t I was good at!
I've gone back to being blinded with my damnedness, which I thought I got rid of.

This may be my goodbye note.
...
I feel like a traitor.
Rude, stupid, selfish, so much more.
A rude, stupid, selfish traitor who will have lost his reason to live completely by the time I'll be done with my act.

Ashamed... Embarassed... Corrupt... That's how I currently think of myself. But I swear to everyone who's listening (or at least to myself) I'll cure myself to my fullest if not my fullest extent.

And to those people I mentioned who read this, here is another note for the present and the later future:
It makes me feel selfish asking this. I ask you if you can willingly forgive me and have things put back to where my era of goodness started, which was around early to mid- April. If you were to, please don't do it out of pity or to selflessly spare me - so to speak. Like I said, willingly. I need to know that you would forgive me out of the fact that I'm something to you, that I am indeed a good friend. Or otherwise, be still; it's still fair on both parts. I won't contest the decision.

So maybe this my goodbye note. I'll be leaving, and I have no inention to come back until I hear from Consent, no matter how I'll writhe from the hurt.
So meanwhile, strong minds don't feel sympathy, or really think about me all so much. Problem upon problem; I'm so sorry I kept this warmth throughout the time I have so. It was too long.

This would be a second post in one day. I don't have much else to do.

Well, I have doubt anyone's going to see this before it starts becoming unimportant, but anyway...

I should have left for China today this morning. And I should have been there in about four hours from now. The flight was cancelled. I don't think anyone else is around, so it's just me and my head.
I'll be going to a camp in China, cancelling original plans. I've grown a bit more neutral from the dissapointment. But I could still... see it. Maybe I'm "weird": a teenager with an extraodinary amount of joy racing through him. Lying on a bed with new bunkmates/acquantinces, with earbuds in his ears, listening to Brahms or something because he can't seem to fall asleep at around 11:00 for a reason hardly anyone knows.
Well, it's going to be different. Would it be racist if I'm not as appreciative of this? I dunno, maybe it's because I need an environment with less... Asians. Yes okay, that was quite racist. Sorry. I have a much smaller, vague, and boring image of me there. Well, I'm not going to give mcuh more reason.

I'm not sure if I'll be able to post for a while because China might block. I'm coming back home late August or early September.

So, I guess this would be it. I hope I'll be able to post regularly.

They run before you can speak. And they go on and on and on....

The brain is the most complex part of the body. Before anyone can verbally say the word, "zoom", at least two or three thoughts already sped through your head. Try it... of course. See? Probably four to six by now.
That's basically my blog, or just words in general. By the time I'm finished with one sentence, I probably had a number of thoughts that I would never - ever - be able to put down completely. It will take longer than forever. My fingers will never be as fast as my brain.
And not even words can explain this. One would probably have no idea how I got from trying to explain the speed of the mind to thinking about standing on the tip of the Empire State building... go ahead and call me suicidal. To get from Point A to Point B takes at least 8 steps in between, under two seconds to get through for me, hours to process for you, probably toil- filled eternity to clearly comprehend.
And guess what? Nobody ever bothers to do that.
Conclusion: SUICIDAL.
Because my mind is more "sick"than the "norm"?

Go ahead. Be a boy in my grade, and call me "emo". Be my father, and call me "suicidal" and "in danger". And then blame it on others. Be another worrisome adult to hear my words, and go subconciously fear me.

But as I see this fear in people's eyes, I can't help but let my heart laugh...

"I never wanted this!" Wrong. It has already happened; to some I'm a completely new "person". I never actually desired a change, but in a way I truly appreciate it now that it occured.
To some, I'm a "freak", a "monster".

This leads me to my next point...

I fail here, there. I cling on to this, that. I've accomplished this, that. I try to let go of this, that. This is how my existence is ran.
Death is so difficult to achieve. I've stopped trying to walk toward it. Just look at the white scratch on my skin from a blade. Nonetheless, no sweet blood to taste. What does that leave me with? Myself still as a walking figure.

My brain will never grow to a different perspective. I've set my code. So yes, I'm stuck.
I might as well be twenty- seven. Or forty. Or fifty- two. Or seventy. Or tragically stuck at thirteen. It's all the same; my head will work the same. But never younger. I pretty much threw that away already as if I can hardly remember it now.
And now, I'm not even waiting for anything. Instead, I'm just thinking about what's ahead of me.
As far as I know, and as far this term goes, I'm good as damned.

___


Well like I said before, words won't fulfill. In that case, I'm not suicidal. Besides, what does that word even mean? Yeah, go ahead and gather a few words and say that's "suicidal". You said I'm human. And humans "are all different". So as far as you are concerned, am I not just "different"? It disgusts me when you say I'm in depression because I never pick up my Wii remote for video games and that I hardly go for a walk at noon.

It goes on and on and on...
Hm.

Dawn at a new start

I believe I'm a thinker. I think, and I never get tired of it. I write. If I'm not listening to you, I'm in my own head (or almost ALWAYS in there for that matter). And not seven people in this world comprehend me when listening to me.

I believe I'm an artist. I paint. Traces of my thinkings lie in my works. The shading... The way marks are made on paper...

I guesss that's good right? I shall continue...

I listen to your tone. I look at your foot and how it's positioned. I'm a thinker, and part of hides my stares at you and tries to get into your head. Then I get scenarios in mine... what will I do? I have to fight things off such as paranoia and someimtes envy. It's usually quite difficult to do THAT part.

I try hard to paint gracefully. And then make a graceful result. Let's see if that effort applies...

Does anyone get the idea yet?

I almost NEVER use terms like this one because of it's profanity and it's lack of just, purpose, and reality of a noun: sh*ta**. I am a sh*ta** when it comes to my academic work ethic. I'm going to admit it until I'm satisfied with my results as a freshman. Two out of five of my classes are at the lowest level of three levels. I loathe the actual term. And then I feel arrogant because I hate it- like a snob, except one who doesn't achieve academically. So yes, call me a loser.

Sometimes, I don't think I deserve the only thing I truly appreciate from life: my friends and their families. And I get this confusing feeling when I'm told otherwise.

Don't think I'm hating myself. I'm not exactly. <-- That message there are especially to the people who went here on my blog when they were supposed to not to - and they get the wrong idea. You know who you are; I know you'll come back to see this.

But I'm constantly in a debate with myself. So I need to confess, redeem , and push myself more. Most the time, that doesn't really help. Maybe I should just push myself even more. No praying to a spirit. No punishing myself. Because I better work harder and avoid that kind of stuff.

Dawn for a new start. Hm.

Bored-To-Numbness-With-An-Ache-From-Absence Season

I look back at the half of the year.
Knowing how much I've - for lack of better words - f___d up, I wish I could go back to January 2010. This means I've done a whole lot better in school. This means I wasn't lost all the time until... March? This means I what I know now is what I wished I have done. And that I became a thinker then, so I'd be "mentally sick" earlier, and "healed" by now.

But then I argue against that side of me: if I did, would I have taken the chance?
I'm not certain. However, because it's nearly impossible to knock sense into me two months earlier than I really did, I'll just have to look at what's ahead real close... - again. I knew perfectly well I had to say that again some day. I believe I said so in an earlier post. What makes matters worse is that I always know even if I do, I'll end up back where I started. And there's not a thing to tell when another day comes and I forget...

I cut once or twice to remind me of my failures. I'm not going back there again. This leads me to the next point... (those who don't want to read this or those who think they will be influenced, skip this paragraph. I've added a big space after it)



Goodness, cutting... I remember clearly the sharp blade forming a straight line across my arm. This pain, which almost has this numb feeling to it, becomes an obsession, and it doesn't come from my once sadistic and masochistic emotions. This isn't the correct terminology for cutting, but it's almost as if one wants attention. You want people... to feel bad for you and help you. On the other hand, you enjoy the pain so, you almost don't want to get out of it.



















I'm still not considered "safe", so summer - to be less profaine - is probably going to be another bored-to-numbness-with-an-ache-from-absence season.
But this is one rule about the world: people judge your actions. And your actions you can never take back. And your actions you should not take back...

Hm.

Trapped

Well summer's here. Not seasonally though; I could care less how "hot" it is outside (by the way, it was reported there's a heat wave going through the north east) But what I do. I'm going to this summer session. I think I mentioned it last time. Did I ever mention I had to go to therapy? I don't think so. Well, I was discharged just late last week. I didn't mind being there, honestly. I just really don't like how people take it (or "THERAPY = SICK PERSON") So after all that, I go back home. Now, I got a summer job: I'm stuck with my dad in his office for three hours working on the stock market. After that, I just wait for... not much. Nothing seems to happen during the summer, and people seem to mind work a lot less during this time of the year. I just don't like it how that's all people have to do. Everyone is pretty much gone, and I'm still "mentally sick"...

No rule in the world has ever been made strong enough to defeat your mental strength. The only thing holding you back when you are held back is what you made yourself before you fought against the world...

I've talked- and at some points argued- with my parents for th past week or so. I feel like a sissy about it. I guess it's about time I feel the need to finally redeem myself by admitting so.
This is basically what I meant by what I said up there. I have reasons to stop arguing with my parents- stupid- to- the- core reasons. I have reasons to contine arguing with my parents- nothing to lose and everything to gain.
I'm not going to elaborate anymore than that.

That's the first week or so of summer....

P.S- Sorry about the Fourth of July. I forgot to take a decent picture. I only got video (wait, actually I'll check because I might have. I'll just check later).
P.S.S- I might post later this evening. Just saying..

July!

Well July's here, and June seemed to go around real quick.

Um, my parents aren't letting me go to camp. I was really pissed like 3 hours ago. I still kind of hate that...

You might realize that my speech pattern is different this time. I'm just kind of really happy right now. I don't know. Endorphins just hit me, I guess. I'm just pretty happy right now. I feel like saying "WWWHHHHEEEEE" and childish shizz, and I'm not usually like that.

I'm not drunk or high though. What else...

Oh yeah! The birthdate of this country is tomorrow, and that's pretty exciting. I'm planning to watch the fireworks. I'll take pictures of it :-DDDDD I hope they'll turn out pretty awesome because taking good pictures of objects in motion is quite something for me.

Okay, well I'm gonna go now. BYE!

Oh, my mom's home. She just got really pissed with stuff and left the house for a few hours.

Last day of June

I just came to say hello.

Not much has been going on. Times spent awake has rolled back into the usual: scedhules.

Wake up.

Get dressed.

Leave the house.

Come back home.

Leave the house again.

Come back home again.

Strict curfews.

...

Not much freedom.

This will be going on for about three straight weeks.

Oh yes, after that I'll be going to a camp with a friend. I hope everything's will be "good" since life is only "fine".

Soon after that, I'll be leaving to see relatives- just like every summer.

And every here and there, I'll be consumed with summer reading and thoughts about high school.

That'll be my summer.

Things are rolling back. Hm.

P.S- Oh, and I'm not sure if I mentioned this before, but my camera is waterproof, so I can take pictures underwater (top photo though it could have been better). I really started appreciating that feature when people started asking me about it around this month. Just saying.

Weird and wow, that kind of put me in a better mood.

YOU FLY BY

You want to test the bounderies. However, you know you don't dare.

You hate help for whatever reason. However, you know you want us there.

You're just sitting there, not that I blame you. But here I am.

I want to help you. However, I'm not sure how.

All I can do for now is wallow and stare.

------------

Well, I have found most of my answers.

This is my first reply.

I have so much more to say.

The average, minute caterpillar has transformed into a mutated, idiosyncratic,

-and maybe even the deranged- butterfly, flying and fluttering about.

As for now, only God knows where I am... if He is even there.

You've all witnessed my change,

and I'll witness yours.

I'm in the state of being overwhelmed by thoughts again. I'm in the state of cofusion. Because I keep telling me things are going to be okay and they they're probably not. Because now everything I do is considered either stupid or selfish. Because I keep going back and forth, back and forth.

And as I slowly crawl like a weak man out of this deeper hole I dug for myself, a hole I didn't know I was digging, a hole I remember almost wanting to dig, be my witness as I get out. And back to when I didn't jump in.

Readers, be my witness(es). And you'll see what I'm capable of.
That will be all I will give.

...I'm only somehwere

Just came to say hi, I guess.

I've dug a hole for myself.

No one close enough to help me out.

I could stay here for for the rest of my life. As far as I can imagine.

Like I care.

I'm gonna cry tears. Like I care.

I'm gonna be lonely. Like I care.

But no, damn it I do care.

But I still could stay in this hole for the rest of my life. At least as far as I can imagine.

I've dug a hole for myself.

So as for right now, I'm just waiting for either my time to end.

Or someone to get me outta here, and teach me I can live a better life.

As for now, I'm still staying here in this hole I've dug for myself.

... it's endless.

I've finally got it. I've finally stopped:
Life doesn't matter. It's just happening. There isn't really much to that. I'm gonna try to stop chasin' it.

---

I had to go to a therapist this morning. She talked to my mother after my turn.
Well this is who I am. I couldn't be defined...yet. My vocabulary... my facial expressions... my tone... my, to quote the therapist, "strange fashion for a teenager"... it's definitely true; I'm different.

I know it's gonna happen. I'm the inevitable. Whatever's gonna happen can and might even will be the inevitable. Kinda like how mathematics or science was discovered. Some day, I'll be found out- not that I want to.
But I've defied what society thinks. I've defied what became the accepted "truth". Think about it, and 2+2 can be "five". And 10x10 can be "fifty-seven". But it isn't. 2+2 is "four". 10x10 is "one hundred". Some day, I might even start something new.
I'm not certain if I'm ready for that though. I'm not certain if I "gotta let it go". I probably don't.

Life doesn't to matter; it just happens. I could be dead by now, and I'm not grateful that I'm not. I didn't achieve anything yet. Today, I'm about to try something. Personally, I see it as crazy.

Forget it. I'm not gonna say anymore now. I'm not the person to add words to vocabulary. And this vocabulary can hardly say anything for me. Just try figure me out. Or if you don't want to, if you don't dare, don't.

I loved chasin' life. But some day it's gonna stop running. I'm still probably not gonna catch up... Hm.

...that makes me implode

I know this is second post in one day.

But I've just been thrashing my impulses I never believed I could reach and take out on others... on a friends. I'm extremely ashamed of myself.

Believe me when I say without my sanity, I could open my jaws and rip off anyone's flesh... neck... and give myself over away to my senses. Senses that of a beast. But if you love me, please also believe me when I say I think my physical and mental strength is unified. The reason why I hold back from using mad strength is because I don't want to be I can be. The reason I hold back is because I'm loved.
I'm a sick, masochistic, selfish homo sapien.

I hardly beg. You'll rarely see me on my knees, crying.
But those I love, you know who you are. I give you two options:
1. Hold me dear and save me. Nobody else will ever be able to. Be my therapy. My only permanent therapy.
2. Stay away from me. There will be no one to hear my madness again. And I promise you'll never have to ever again.


I was already taken away against my free will. Why? Those who did don't understand me.

I'm sorry I'm ranting. I'm sorry. But I don't know where to run. I'm closing myself off from the world again.
The sick, masocistic, selfish homo sapien will live, and try to forget that he's ripped himself into an outcast. I dunno.

...compared to the entire world

Like all the past four years of school, I look back and every one of them seemed to go by so quickly. Sorry if that sounded cliche. And I wish I could have done better on this and that.

That's the problem with time. One has to closely and carefully manipulate it to satisfy themselves. And just that seems to be hard enough.

Recently, mixes of emotions and feelings hit me with so much force, it's scientifically proven that was has happened to me can hurt as much as a physical blow to the head. It's like I could be ripped into pieces and it would be better than what happened the past week.

There was nothing there with me to take me out my confusion and then some. I don't know who can sucessfully reach my words with a correct interpretation. But here I go:

I live in a place where human beings have practically taken over the world. And that's the last of it. I don't want to be called that. I just want to be homo sapien. Just biologically part of the race. Come to think of it, those two phrases sounds so different. HOMO SAPIEN: directly translated into English as man wise wise; a species. HUMAN BEING: what a homo sapien has become; the creatures who tries to define the world.

And that means they made a definition for HOMO SAPIEN: man wise wise. Two wises. Because we, even naturally, have strong faith that we are smarter. Just think about that; I know I have. I don't know what to think after that.

I could say I have pride into finding my own answer to that question.

But I could also say I could be a human being and live a more average life. But I appreciate this life more.

But I could say this makes me a monster. I just don't want to be...

I'm not going to say any further than that. I'll let you figure the rest on your own. And if can actually predict my next unwritten chapter, I love you. (Yes, that sounds weird)

I'm livin' in this world. And I have to live in it. Hm. 7:12 p.m.

June Already

It's June already...
I have a list of people in my life. I love them. If any of you are reading this, you know who you are. I love you. And I love your families. As for the rest of the people out there in my life? You ask me questions. Such stupid questions. And you'll never get it. I don't trust you with your stupidity. So as for the rest of the people out there in my life? You know who you are. You know what you did to me. And you can kiss me a**.

You all piss me off.
Full of questions.
Can't you see?
Hardly any of you can- the whole damn society.

Why are YOU taught this and that?
Who taught you this would be saddening?
That's what the whole damn society learned.
Who taught you to hold me back when I can go foward?
That's what the whole damn society learned.
Don't make me stay in vain.
And especially don't add up the unecessary pain.

This poem ain't even real.
'Cuz I refrain from swearing.
You are so stupid.
And you are so nosy.
And this whole thing is all your fault.
'Cuz this could have been so easy
Just for me.
I could have not been selfish, monstrous
But now you're even making things foolish.
Just for who?
Just for me
Just for me to deal with.

I still don't know who I am. Or who I should be. I keep to myself. That's all I know. I'm sorry for ranting like that. I think it's really just me on the inside. That's who I am. Emotional. On the outside, on the other hand, is a whole new person.
What am I? I fear being called human. Homo Sapien. Man wise wise. It just sounds so absurd.
Who am I? Hm.

things are not wanted perfect.

I don't seem to like perfect things.

When I'm depressed, I like it. But it pains me because it hurts. Yet, I like it.

I give myself all the what- ifs scenarios in every situations. That's why I shut up a lot. This makes me feel mentally slow and insecure though. But I seem to like it anyways.

I have no idea. And no, I'm not emo.

Let me tell ask readers something. What is an emo to you? One who wears all black, cuts, likes it? That seems like a very poor definition. Emo- one who has very sensitive and extreme EMOtions. Why did I bring that up?

1. To make things clear about myself. I'm usually not strongly emotional. And I'm a bit freaked out myself that often, I can be stoic or nonchalant.

2. To hopefully- clear things up about society. Just really think about it.

Why would you pick on a kid who's gay? 'Cause that kid is "weird". Why is he weird? Weird- something that does not fit into society any longer to the point the mojority of that society does not start to like it. But why won't you like it? Most likely, it's proably you had nothing to do, so that's how you started feeling- picking on others. But loving someone, no matter who it is, is a reason for life. Living life is part of society.

That was a bit off- topic. It just came to me as I was thinking. That's basically what I mean by "a string of thoughts". One thing leads to another.

I'm feeling much better now. Which is probably why I'm not able to write much. But I gave out another thought of how I view the world. I gave a message:

Look at yourself. What did you do? Was it right for this society? Or was it was some guy would call some adjective? Just make sure there was a purpose and that it was a good one. That's all I'm going to say for now. I'll definitely to add more. I'll see what I can do.

Hm. 4:07

I was not alive

I realize that, again, I didn't post in a while. I felt something I never felt in all my life.

I was consumed in thoughts and drowned lately. I was so emotionless... almost not alive this past week. But strangely at the same time, for the first time, in a long time, I cried:

Tears, one by one, slid down my cheeks as I sat on m desk looking at the street light through the window like I usually do at 4 or 5:30 in the morning. I don't know why I cried though. I guess there was nothing else to do.
I was confused, and I thought about too much. Way too much. I don't have much else to do but think things almost unecessary- long strings of thoughts that never end. Sometimes, you'd be better off trying not to muse too much; if you get an answer you don't want, you'll regret it. That's what I did. I became slumped, broken, and for once- again-in a long time, afraid... of pain. I was never really scared of it. I know I'm strong, but there's only one person who can force me to sit down and cry from torture. These past few days, she did that (no, not my mother) That person is my girlfriend (yes, my girlfriend)- the person I care most about in this world. It's a long story, and I'd rather keep the bigger portion to myself. Sorry.
It wasn't intentional though I don't think. It's probably just me. For as long as I can remember (...fourth grade?) I kept to myself and observed everyone's moves, actions. Feeling true love for the first time made me forget abuot that for a while. But some weak yet monstrous side of me I wasn't aare of that grew for the past 5 years supplanted. It's hard to explain. It's hard for me to really find an answer.

I don't want to either. I was not alive since fourth grade. Where was I?

Hm: 5:34

___________________

P.S- Posting pictures inspired by my girlfriend. I hope she doesn't mind this. She's probably going to see this in the future.

Crappy Post?

Crappy Posts- 1. I don't really have anything to say, but I'm here because I just feel bad that I didn't for 3+ days

The past couple days, I felt rather.. emotionless. There was nothing very much to feel to.
Sometimes, I just feel useless, but I know there are people I care about who care about me.
What's the meaning of life? What are we doing here? Those questions hung around in my head for a few months until I thought I hit an answer. But sometimes... that reason fades a bit. I know it probably didn't, and I definitely don't want it to. Ever.
I'm probably gonna go on about life and/or death or something. Then this won't be so crappy after all...
...nah.
Maybe next time. I dunno. I'm only thirteen. Am I really supposed to know? Hm.

-Crappy Post 1.1 : 10:01

P.S- My speech sounded rather dead today. I didn't really bother to read over it.

'Cuz when life gives you free lemons...

"When life gives you free lemons, take them. 'Cause hey, it's free lemons."
Ehh... I really don't know.

---

Well, I just got back home. I'm not really supposed to be until in... five to ten minutes. I was at the town library just now with some friends, and I should be walking home right now. As I was about to leave, one of my friend's grandmother was also there to pick her up; I saw her before.

---

A "good afternoon" and I was about to leave.

But no. I was offered a ride for the second time from the same very nice person.

"Oh no it's fine. Just a fifteen minute walk."

---

But I guess it's just that because of the way the world works, she insisted. "Oh, no. It's on the way."

---

Should we really take advantage of others generous offers?

Or should we take a sack of money when it's offered to us out of generosity? It would be tempting to do that wouldn't it?

Or should we say, "If you insist" and atually be glad when the offered says, "Oh, no. That's too much to ask for." Would you do that?

---

I want to think about this stuff, but part of me doesn't. I never really intend to live my days with set scripts: do this when this happens; Say that when that happens...

Sometimes, I just feel a bit awkward when I just take whatever's put into my hands, and just look at it. what can I say? Just a thank you. Maybe with some extra words with it. "I really appreciated." "It was very kind of you." But it never satisfies me just saying that. I really don't think it satisfies any favor. I'm thinking too much again.
I'm home now, and I'm supposed to anyways. Hm.

...and a few words.

Chucklez- 1. my nickname that was created mid- 6th grade compliments to some of my friends 2. originally CHUCKLES until I changed the S into a Z because of my last name 3. the name of things like my blog here 4. One of my friends just calls me CHUCKY

Well, I made a blog tonight; May 11th my Blogspot is born with no ideas in it like a baby on its first days in the world.
Because of the weird fact that I usually get the writer's block as I attempt to write on paper, I want to see if I can do it online where I can use a computer; I like the quiet, subtle sound of my hp laptop running. and I also like looking at fonts, instead of the handwriting I see everyday. I'm usually like that: enjoying some rather picky things as they help me think.

Don't take me as some kid with my childish nick. No no no. Yes, I do think a lot. Not about how awesome it would be to be an astraunaut (did I spell that right? I can never...) or the president. I think about life and all this around us. And I'm way too all over the place; it's a huge topic. But just because I can probably tell you what the meaning of life is (Try to figure that one out. And really think about it. Don't just say to see happiness. I see somma that everyday. Life isn't great if there isn't new in it) that doesn't mean I'm very school smart. I suck at school. And I plan to improve that. Other than that, I don't think I should really change myself.

So yes, I figure that in a way, this will be considered be my journal. I want another alternative to turn to when I feel like I need one. And sometimes, I guess it could be called a diary. But not those kinds in which I go on about my day and how "ugh... so crappy". Okay maybe.

Maybe...

A few times...

It depends...

Lots of sh*t depends. In fact, almost everything in the fricking world... depends. On this and that.

I won't be elaborating on that right now.

Here is where I...

think

type

think and type

about life

maybe even rant abuot things sometimes?

I'd like to give a message around here... lots. And I don't know where to begin. Just so somebody's actually here to read. Hm.

---

I hate this. I was sitting on my bed, nice and comfy, writing all that up there. Well she just barges into my room and tells me to go work on my Word Paper. Well now she's making me work at my desk. That means me sitting in this chair I haven't sat in all day, so it's freezing my butt. But meh, I like the cold. I would rant about that right now. But nah. I would, but I don't feel like it.

It depends.

Hm. My entry would probably have been over some six lines ago. Well that doesn't matter. I usually go on and on, so other blog entries wouldn't be much different- most likely longer.

---

I'm a guy who sits and thinks. And sometimes I talk about it. That's me.

WELCOME: 9:07

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p.s- This totally sucks 'cuz Blogspot just gets rid of some spacing I used. It looked really nice... psh. this sucks.

p.p.s- What makes things suck more is that my butt is still a bit cold.