Bored-To-Numbness-With-An-Ache-From-Absence Season

I look back at the half of the year.
Knowing how much I've - for lack of better words - f___d up, I wish I could go back to January 2010. This means I've done a whole lot better in school. This means I wasn't lost all the time until... March? This means I what I know now is what I wished I have done. And that I became a thinker then, so I'd be "mentally sick" earlier, and "healed" by now.

But then I argue against that side of me: if I did, would I have taken the chance?
I'm not certain. However, because it's nearly impossible to knock sense into me two months earlier than I really did, I'll just have to look at what's ahead real close... - again. I knew perfectly well I had to say that again some day. I believe I said so in an earlier post. What makes matters worse is that I always know even if I do, I'll end up back where I started. And there's not a thing to tell when another day comes and I forget...

I cut once or twice to remind me of my failures. I'm not going back there again. This leads me to the next point... (those who don't want to read this or those who think they will be influenced, skip this paragraph. I've added a big space after it)



Goodness, cutting... I remember clearly the sharp blade forming a straight line across my arm. This pain, which almost has this numb feeling to it, becomes an obsession, and it doesn't come from my once sadistic and masochistic emotions. This isn't the correct terminology for cutting, but it's almost as if one wants attention. You want people... to feel bad for you and help you. On the other hand, you enjoy the pain so, you almost don't want to get out of it.



















I'm still not considered "safe", so summer - to be less profaine - is probably going to be another bored-to-numbness-with-an-ache-from-absence season.
But this is one rule about the world: people judge your actions. And your actions you can never take back. And your actions you should not take back...

Hm.