Second post... in China...
I've been caught in this mixed feeling: guilt, selfishness, shame, lack of worthiness, perhaps even suspicion...
But then goodness, hopeful, determination, loved...
It was so surprising. Just a few words eased my pain. I'm damned forgivven. I thought they were going to let myself have it; the fair way that was stuck in my head for weeks and it I'm embarrased to admit it freaking ached to the point I believed I'd be confident in this decision, leaving. I believed nothing -no talk- was going to stop me. Easier said than done... I'm in my head a lot.
I'm not sure if she really does accept me, and I almost hate how I don't have complete faith in her words. I almost hate how I'm so selfish and I let myslef get taken over so easily. Now, I can't forgive myself for being so... there are no words to describe it...
But which ever way, I still owe everyone and myself a new and improved me. I swear that'll happen. But I didn't even count how many times I told myself that before. And then how many times I've told myself that "this time will be different". And then how many times I've told myself "No, it won't". Then how many times I told myself that there's a new and bigger motivation, or whatever excuse. Then I remind myself how many times I've said THAT as well. And every snigle time I have this same arguement with myself, it ends with me saying a simple, blunt "I'm gonna fix myself up"... and always with a sense of doubt remaining.
Now, I'm not sure what to do, exactly. Punishment for not making things right like I should have always seems to put me in other bigger messes. I know exactly what that means; truly, I've "been there, done that". I guess the only thing I have right now is really to just go with it. I really don't like the cliche of it. And this all makes me feel damned again... these inexcusbale I'm-not-even-sure-what-I-can-call-all-this. Just to keep this mixed up and messed up life - or existence... because while I do loathe myself in many ways, but I find reason to love it as well, if any of this makes sense.
The word life is always balanced for me.
Hm...
Sunday, August 15, 2010
Thursday, August 12, 2010
"In this farewell, there's no blood. There's no alibi..."
"...'Cause I've drawn regret.
From the truth
of a thousand lies.
So let mercy come, and wash away..."
It's been a while since I last posted, so I'm going to make this one extra long. And hey - Blogger works in China (although there isn't a toolbox, so the font color comouflages a little. In that case, some people might want to copy and paste to a Word document or something to make it more legible. Sorry)
Well, for the past three weeks and counting, it was mainly just my working mind and myself again. Within that time,
I was at a program.
I got jet lagged.
I went through a bottle and a half of sunblock.
I counted twenty - nine mosquito bites.
One of my biggest sources of company was my iPod.
...
I'm slowly becoming more vegan.
I made a few friends. Acquaintances really.
I walked, talked... etc. That was three weeks.
That's essentailly what anybody who reluctantly went to camp would say. But there's one more, big something else...
(I want to note that I can't stress enough how few people would be able to comprehend minimally - if not near completely - what I'd be talking about below. And if those people are reading, I've intentionally phrased a few parts the way I did so I could adress you in an obvious way I don't think anyone else would understand)...
Within that time, and actually the day before I left, I've had something ominous, challenging, inefecting me: a thought. And I might as well say it here, but maybe just rather vaguely.
I thought about love.
I thought about friendship.
I thought about respect.
I thought about what was important to me.
And I thought about my shame.
I thought about my failure.
I thought about my accidental, unforgivable, carelessness.
I thought about what I was going to do with all of it.
And everytime, I would break down from thinking such about the agonizingly painful..., I'd listen to my iPod. And eventually, that stoic person would come around. I loathe him because he illustrates me in a negative way to the world with his different mindset.
I think I'm going to put myself into the biggest punishment I've created for myself yet. I'm thinking about leaving all of that for three or so months, or until I fix my failure correctly. 'Don't know what I'm talking about? Like I said, only a few would. Those few I've already put in this post... They're my metaphorical family. Out of these people, there is...one...reason. I sincerely mean it.
But I lost my own faith in seeing why/how I deserve them. I can't bear to let them be friends with... with the corruption I've made of myself academically.
Two CPB classes! Damned two!And any "abilities" at any performing or visual arts I thought I had. And if that's not enough, the sense of care I once showed; where in hell did that go? Now, sh*t I was good at!
I've gone back to being blinded with my damnedness, which I thought I got rid of.
This may be my goodbye note.
...
I feel like a traitor.
Rude, stupid, selfish, so much more.
A rude, stupid, selfish traitor who will have lost his reason to live completely by the time I'll be done with my act.
Ashamed... Embarassed... Corrupt... That's how I currently think of myself. But I swear to everyone who's listening (or at least to myself) I'll cure myself to my fullest if not my fullest extent.
And to those people I mentioned who read this, here is another note for the present and the later future:
It makes me feel selfish asking this. I ask you if you can willingly forgive me and have things put back to where my era of goodness started, which was around early to mid- April. If you were to, please don't do it out of pity or to selflessly spare me - so to speak. Like I said, willingly. I need to know that you would forgive me out of the fact that I'm something to you, that I am indeed a good friend. Or otherwise, be still; it's still fair on both parts. I won't contest the decision.
So maybe this my goodbye note. I'll be leaving, and I have no inention to come back until I hear from Consent, no matter how I'll writhe from the hurt.
So meanwhile, strong minds don't feel sympathy, or really think about me all so much. Problem upon problem; I'm so sorry I kept this warmth throughout the time I have so. It was too long.
From the truth
of a thousand lies.
So let mercy come, and wash away..."
It's been a while since I last posted, so I'm going to make this one extra long. And hey - Blogger works in China (although there isn't a toolbox, so the font color comouflages a little. In that case, some people might want to copy and paste to a Word document or something to make it more legible. Sorry)
Well, for the past three weeks and counting, it was mainly just my working mind and myself again. Within that time,
I was at a program.
I got jet lagged.
I went through a bottle and a half of sunblock.
I counted twenty - nine mosquito bites.
One of my biggest sources of company was my iPod.
...
I'm slowly becoming more vegan.
I made a few friends. Acquaintances really.
I walked, talked... etc. That was three weeks.
That's essentailly what anybody who reluctantly went to camp would say. But there's one more, big something else...
(I want to note that I can't stress enough how few people would be able to comprehend minimally - if not near completely - what I'd be talking about below. And if those people are reading, I've intentionally phrased a few parts the way I did so I could adress you in an obvious way I don't think anyone else would understand)...
Within that time, and actually the day before I left, I've had something ominous, challenging, inefecting me: a thought. And I might as well say it here, but maybe just rather vaguely.
I thought about love.
I thought about friendship.
I thought about respect.
I thought about what was important to me.
And I thought about my shame.
I thought about my failure.
I thought about my accidental, unforgivable, carelessness.
I thought about what I was going to do with all of it.
And everytime, I would break down from thinking such about the agonizingly painful..., I'd listen to my iPod. And eventually, that stoic person would come around. I loathe him because he illustrates me in a negative way to the world with his different mindset.
I think I'm going to put myself into the biggest punishment I've created for myself yet. I'm thinking about leaving all of that for three or so months, or until I fix my failure correctly. 'Don't know what I'm talking about? Like I said, only a few would. Those few I've already put in this post... They're my metaphorical family. Out of these people, there is...one...reason. I sincerely mean it.
But I lost my own faith in seeing why/how I deserve them. I can't bear to let them be friends with... with the corruption I've made of myself academically.
Two CPB classes! Damned two!And any "abilities" at any performing or visual arts I thought I had. And if that's not enough, the sense of care I once showed; where in hell did that go? Now, sh*t I was good at!
I've gone back to being blinded with my damnedness, which I thought I got rid of.
This may be my goodbye note.
...
I feel like a traitor.
Rude, stupid, selfish, so much more.
A rude, stupid, selfish traitor who will have lost his reason to live completely by the time I'll be done with my act.
Ashamed... Embarassed... Corrupt... That's how I currently think of myself. But I swear to everyone who's listening (or at least to myself) I'll cure myself to my fullest if not my fullest extent.
And to those people I mentioned who read this, here is another note for the present and the later future:
It makes me feel selfish asking this. I ask you if you can willingly forgive me and have things put back to where my era of goodness started, which was around early to mid- April. If you were to, please don't do it out of pity or to selflessly spare me - so to speak. Like I said, willingly. I need to know that you would forgive me out of the fact that I'm something to you, that I am indeed a good friend. Or otherwise, be still; it's still fair on both parts. I won't contest the decision.
So maybe this my goodbye note. I'll be leaving, and I have no inention to come back until I hear from Consent, no matter how I'll writhe from the hurt.
So meanwhile, strong minds don't feel sympathy, or really think about me all so much. Problem upon problem; I'm so sorry I kept this warmth throughout the time I have so. It was too long.
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