Was I wrong?

Second post... in China...

I've been caught in this mixed feeling: guilt, selfishness, shame, lack of worthiness, perhaps even suspicion...
But then goodness, hopeful, determination, loved...

It was so surprising. Just a few words eased my pain. I'm damned forgivven. I thought they were going to let myself have it; the fair way that was stuck in my head for weeks and it I'm embarrased to admit it freaking ached to the point I believed I'd be confident in this decision, leaving. I believed nothing -no talk- was going to stop me. Easier said than done... I'm in my head a lot.

I'm not sure if she really does accept me, and I almost hate how I don't have complete faith in her words. I almost hate how I'm so selfish and I let myslef get taken over so easily. Now, I can't forgive myself for being so... there are no words to describe it...

But which ever way, I still owe everyone and myself a new and improved me. I swear that'll happen. But I didn't even count how many times I told myself that before. And then how many times I've told myself that "this time will be different". And then how many times I've told myself "No, it won't". Then how many times I told myself that there's a new and bigger motivation, or whatever excuse. Then I remind myself how many times I've said THAT as well. And every snigle time I have this same arguement with myself, it ends with me saying a simple, blunt "I'm gonna fix myself up"... and always with a sense of doubt remaining.

Now, I'm not sure what to do, exactly. Punishment for not making things right like I should have always seems to put me in other bigger messes. I know exactly what that means; truly, I've "been there, done that". I guess the only thing I have right now is really to just go with it. I really don't like the cliche of it. And this all makes me feel damned again... these inexcusbale I'm-not-even-sure-what-I-can-call-all-this. Just to keep this mixed up and messed up life - or existence... because while I do loathe myself in many ways, but I find reason to love it as well, if any of this makes sense.

The word life is always balanced for me.
Hm...