Last day of June

I just came to say hello.

Not much has been going on. Times spent awake has rolled back into the usual: scedhules.

Wake up.

Get dressed.

Leave the house.

Come back home.

Leave the house again.

Come back home again.

Strict curfews.

...

Not much freedom.

This will be going on for about three straight weeks.

Oh yes, after that I'll be going to a camp with a friend. I hope everything's will be "good" since life is only "fine".

Soon after that, I'll be leaving to see relatives- just like every summer.

And every here and there, I'll be consumed with summer reading and thoughts about high school.

That'll be my summer.

Things are rolling back. Hm.

P.S- Oh, and I'm not sure if I mentioned this before, but my camera is waterproof, so I can take pictures underwater (top photo though it could have been better). I really started appreciating that feature when people started asking me about it around this month. Just saying.

Weird and wow, that kind of put me in a better mood.

YOU FLY BY

You want to test the bounderies. However, you know you don't dare.

You hate help for whatever reason. However, you know you want us there.

You're just sitting there, not that I blame you. But here I am.

I want to help you. However, I'm not sure how.

All I can do for now is wallow and stare.

------------

Well, I have found most of my answers.

This is my first reply.

I have so much more to say.

The average, minute caterpillar has transformed into a mutated, idiosyncratic,

-and maybe even the deranged- butterfly, flying and fluttering about.

As for now, only God knows where I am... if He is even there.

You've all witnessed my change,

and I'll witness yours.

I'm in the state of being overwhelmed by thoughts again. I'm in the state of cofusion. Because I keep telling me things are going to be okay and they they're probably not. Because now everything I do is considered either stupid or selfish. Because I keep going back and forth, back and forth.

And as I slowly crawl like a weak man out of this deeper hole I dug for myself, a hole I didn't know I was digging, a hole I remember almost wanting to dig, be my witness as I get out. And back to when I didn't jump in.

Readers, be my witness(es). And you'll see what I'm capable of.
That will be all I will give.

...I'm only somehwere

Just came to say hi, I guess.

I've dug a hole for myself.

No one close enough to help me out.

I could stay here for for the rest of my life. As far as I can imagine.

Like I care.

I'm gonna cry tears. Like I care.

I'm gonna be lonely. Like I care.

But no, damn it I do care.

But I still could stay in this hole for the rest of my life. At least as far as I can imagine.

I've dug a hole for myself.

So as for right now, I'm just waiting for either my time to end.

Or someone to get me outta here, and teach me I can live a better life.

As for now, I'm still staying here in this hole I've dug for myself.

... it's endless.

I've finally got it. I've finally stopped:
Life doesn't matter. It's just happening. There isn't really much to that. I'm gonna try to stop chasin' it.

---

I had to go to a therapist this morning. She talked to my mother after my turn.
Well this is who I am. I couldn't be defined...yet. My vocabulary... my facial expressions... my tone... my, to quote the therapist, "strange fashion for a teenager"... it's definitely true; I'm different.

I know it's gonna happen. I'm the inevitable. Whatever's gonna happen can and might even will be the inevitable. Kinda like how mathematics or science was discovered. Some day, I'll be found out- not that I want to.
But I've defied what society thinks. I've defied what became the accepted "truth". Think about it, and 2+2 can be "five". And 10x10 can be "fifty-seven". But it isn't. 2+2 is "four". 10x10 is "one hundred". Some day, I might even start something new.
I'm not certain if I'm ready for that though. I'm not certain if I "gotta let it go". I probably don't.

Life doesn't to matter; it just happens. I could be dead by now, and I'm not grateful that I'm not. I didn't achieve anything yet. Today, I'm about to try something. Personally, I see it as crazy.

Forget it. I'm not gonna say anymore now. I'm not the person to add words to vocabulary. And this vocabulary can hardly say anything for me. Just try figure me out. Or if you don't want to, if you don't dare, don't.

I loved chasin' life. But some day it's gonna stop running. I'm still probably not gonna catch up... Hm.

...that makes me implode

I know this is second post in one day.

But I've just been thrashing my impulses I never believed I could reach and take out on others... on a friends. I'm extremely ashamed of myself.

Believe me when I say without my sanity, I could open my jaws and rip off anyone's flesh... neck... and give myself over away to my senses. Senses that of a beast. But if you love me, please also believe me when I say I think my physical and mental strength is unified. The reason why I hold back from using mad strength is because I don't want to be I can be. The reason I hold back is because I'm loved.
I'm a sick, masochistic, selfish homo sapien.

I hardly beg. You'll rarely see me on my knees, crying.
But those I love, you know who you are. I give you two options:
1. Hold me dear and save me. Nobody else will ever be able to. Be my therapy. My only permanent therapy.
2. Stay away from me. There will be no one to hear my madness again. And I promise you'll never have to ever again.


I was already taken away against my free will. Why? Those who did don't understand me.

I'm sorry I'm ranting. I'm sorry. But I don't know where to run. I'm closing myself off from the world again.
The sick, masocistic, selfish homo sapien will live, and try to forget that he's ripped himself into an outcast. I dunno.

...compared to the entire world

Like all the past four years of school, I look back and every one of them seemed to go by so quickly. Sorry if that sounded cliche. And I wish I could have done better on this and that.

That's the problem with time. One has to closely and carefully manipulate it to satisfy themselves. And just that seems to be hard enough.

Recently, mixes of emotions and feelings hit me with so much force, it's scientifically proven that was has happened to me can hurt as much as a physical blow to the head. It's like I could be ripped into pieces and it would be better than what happened the past week.

There was nothing there with me to take me out my confusion and then some. I don't know who can sucessfully reach my words with a correct interpretation. But here I go:

I live in a place where human beings have practically taken over the world. And that's the last of it. I don't want to be called that. I just want to be homo sapien. Just biologically part of the race. Come to think of it, those two phrases sounds so different. HOMO SAPIEN: directly translated into English as man wise wise; a species. HUMAN BEING: what a homo sapien has become; the creatures who tries to define the world.

And that means they made a definition for HOMO SAPIEN: man wise wise. Two wises. Because we, even naturally, have strong faith that we are smarter. Just think about that; I know I have. I don't know what to think after that.

I could say I have pride into finding my own answer to that question.

But I could also say I could be a human being and live a more average life. But I appreciate this life more.

But I could say this makes me a monster. I just don't want to be...

I'm not going to say any further than that. I'll let you figure the rest on your own. And if can actually predict my next unwritten chapter, I love you. (Yes, that sounds weird)

I'm livin' in this world. And I have to live in it. Hm. 7:12 p.m.

June Already

It's June already...
I have a list of people in my life. I love them. If any of you are reading this, you know who you are. I love you. And I love your families. As for the rest of the people out there in my life? You ask me questions. Such stupid questions. And you'll never get it. I don't trust you with your stupidity. So as for the rest of the people out there in my life? You know who you are. You know what you did to me. And you can kiss me a**.

You all piss me off.
Full of questions.
Can't you see?
Hardly any of you can- the whole damn society.

Why are YOU taught this and that?
Who taught you this would be saddening?
That's what the whole damn society learned.
Who taught you to hold me back when I can go foward?
That's what the whole damn society learned.
Don't make me stay in vain.
And especially don't add up the unecessary pain.

This poem ain't even real.
'Cuz I refrain from swearing.
You are so stupid.
And you are so nosy.
And this whole thing is all your fault.
'Cuz this could have been so easy
Just for me.
I could have not been selfish, monstrous
But now you're even making things foolish.
Just for who?
Just for me
Just for me to deal with.

I still don't know who I am. Or who I should be. I keep to myself. That's all I know. I'm sorry for ranting like that. I think it's really just me on the inside. That's who I am. Emotional. On the outside, on the other hand, is a whole new person.
What am I? I fear being called human. Homo Sapien. Man wise wise. It just sounds so absurd.
Who am I? Hm.